Childless Mother
The Heartbreak of What Could Have Been
Not too long ago, I was talking to a mentor about an especially painful area of life for me: where to put the desire for children after Time and Life have said “no.” Moreover, why won’t this hope evaporate now that it is apparent it will not be fulfilled? This woman is also childless and answered my question by sharing from her own experience. She said she views herself as a “childless mother.”
Ah, I finally had a name for this heartbreak that refuses to dull! By acknowledging her desire for motherhood still remains long after realistic hope has faded, my mentor said she is able to fully honor the life that has sprouted from what was not to be.
As G.K. Chesterton said, “One of the wise and awful truths which this brown-paper art reveals, is this, that white is a color. It is not a mere absence of color; it is a shining and affirmative thing, as fierce as red, as definite as black.”
My mentor and I may miss out on Mother’s Day cards and invitations to join conversations about carpool pickup, but we are certainly not lacking. Just as the color white can be as full and vibrant as the color green, the space in our lives can provide opportunity for meaning and purpose. It all comes down to perspective.
If it’s not too forward to ask, dear reader, what part of your life did you not expect? Did you lose someone too soon? Do you feel as though you are sitting on the sideline while everyone around you celebrates their next milestone?
Or perhaps expectations played out in a completely different manner for you. Maybe your career took a wonderfully unexpected turn. Or maybe your family welcomed a beloved surprise baby and now you can’t imagine life any other way.
There are so many places life is mismatched with expectations and hopes. Desires for things like marriage, family, and careers often become so deeply rooted they grow into expectations. Sometimes these expectations play out as one would hope, while for others the ground becomes fallow, and expectations don’t bear fruit.
For anyone grappling with where to put an unmet hope, join me in remembering white is a color. Switch the shade of your canvas to see beauty in those spaces of life where expectation didn’t align with reality.
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