What you can learn from fairies and chasing PhDs
A Q&A with a friend about the wonderful things that happen when your plans don't work out.
Some of the most encouraging counsel I’ve received has been from family and friends over the course of a ridiculously long phone call. No one else is listening, and you can take your time unpacking whatever needs unpacking. I’d like to bring that spirit to this space, and so I am launching a new Q&A column. Since there’s something so jarring about a spotlight, I am giving Q&A participants the option to remain anonymous. The hope is our conversation may be more vulnerable as a result.
And I solemnly promise these Q&As won’t end as so many do — with a promotion for a lackluster book.
This first Q&A comes from a person you can trust to be the absolute best wingwoman at any event. She can talk about pop culture, world events, economics, or baby elephants with ease. Her confidence, humor, and kindness make gatherings feel like you’ve just been invited to sit at the V.I.P. table. She’s based in the greater Washington, DC area and works in policy (that’s actually interesting and impactful — no stuffy white papers here!). I hope you’ll enjoy hearing from her.
Q: Where has your life not turned out exactly as you expected – good or bad?
A: From a macro perspective, nothing in my life has turned out exactly as I expected. I turned 30 a couple of years ago, and I thought I would have a husband, a kid, a house, and a PhD. I had none of those things.
The PhD may have been the hardest part. I was single for most of my twenties, so I had at least partially accepted the idea that having a baby and meeting “the one” was outside of my control. Mentally, I had accepted the idea of a later marriage and no kids. The alternative I imagined of being an academic, building an envious home library, and traveling the world with my partner (he would surely show up, right?) was something I could not only live with but be excited about.
I don’t know if the next part is an explanation or excuse, but my work life was never calm. I tried to study for the GRE, but it took years longer than I expected. I will likely never know whether the couple of points off on my GRE, the lack of academically published work, or my non-academic recommendations were the deciding factors. The result was that I was rejected from every program I applied to.
Q. How have you handled the gap between your expectation and reality?
A: There was a time in my life when this rejection would have been unbearable, and it was still devastating, but I was blessed in so many other ways. I used to dream of being able to work in public policy and the idea of being a policy analyst at any organization once seemed so far out of reach. I am fortunate enough to work in a great organization where I influence our research in meaningful ways. I still dream about getting a PhD, and maybe I will someday.
However, a different dream of working in public policy has turned out better than I imagined.
So yes, not getting a PhD, was hard and negative; however, it opened the door to a wonderful but different opportunity.
Q: What advice would you give your younger self about this expectation?
A: There’s a corny saying to the general effect of “enjoy the process and the results will follow.” I think it is easy to be outcome-focused rather than process-oriented. As I have gotten older I have realized that so much of the outcome is outside our control. I would tell my younger self to focus more on research and learning the skills to make myself better with or without an academic credential. And if I am being honest, I may have told myself to apply to programs a bit sooner.
Q: Do you think your expectation was shaped by culture? If so, how culture can do better with regard to this area of life?
A: This isn’t limited to one area of my life, but it applies to my lack of PhD. I have spent too much of my life waiting for someone else’s stamp of approval. Whether that was a university saying I was qualified to do my work or a boyfriend deciding I was “good enough” to date, I allowed my validation to come from an external source.
I would like to blame culture for that, but it isn’t that simple. Ultimately, it took me to decide that my opinion about myself mattered too. Individuals have great power to decide what does and doesn’t matter to them, regardless of cultural preferences.
Q: As you look to the future, what are you looking forward to?
A: The unknown.
I’ve always been the person with the five and ten-year plan. I still am to an extent, but I am also way more open to switching the plan at any moment and figuring out something else. I like plans because they provide structure. But now I am excited about having the structure without the confinement. I think I know what the next five years will look like, but I could be wrong, and that’s exciting.
Q: How do you deal with disappointment?
A: I talk in quotes a lot, and here is another one, “pain demands to be felt.” I let myself feel disappointed, and maybe I even wallow in it a bit. But the important part is to move on and find something else to be excited about.
Q: Anything new you are enjoying that I should know about?
A: So many things.
LED face masks are amazing, just do your research to make sure the wavelengths are correct.
Factor meals are delicious and easy and have freed up so much of my time.
I have recently started using AI image generators to combine different decor styles and it is great!
I don’t know how I just discovered scalp sunscreens, but they are a game-changer.
I recently watched the Dianne Von Furstenberg documentary and immediately bought a wrap dress. I am obsessed and think that everyone should buy one.
Q: What’s a piece of wisdom you received that you’d like to pass on.
A: Read fairie smut. Okay, maybe that isn’t for everyone. However, some good advice is to find something you enjoy for no other reason than to enjoy the process. Not everything has to be about “mastering” a skill or creating a side hustle. Find something you enjoy even if you suck and no one is paying you. I believe that work is such a personal thing and a huge part of my life. However, work isn’t all that I am.
Having something to bring joy is just as important as having something to bring fulfillment.
A massive thank you to my friend for participating in this. Your adventurous spirit has brought so much light into my life!
Note: there’s an Amazon affiliate link in this post. If you choose to make a purchase, I thank you kindly.